Sunday, June 26, 2011

Expectant Dads

7 Commandments for Expectant Dads: A Revelation for Those 40 Weeks

1. You shall be sympathetic to morning sickness ... all day
I don't know who decided to call it morning sickness, but the name is misleading. Morning sickness can happen all day long, from the moment she wakes up until the moment she sleeps. You must be sympathetic and offer to hold her hair while she pukes. She'll probably yell at you to get the hell out of the bathroom, but your offer will go a long way.

2. You shall not ask her to "hold it"
Don't ever ask her if she can hold it. She can't. Get her to a restroom immediately. Be very concerned. She may ask you to pull the car over so she can pee on the side of the road. Do it. Don't question her or you will have a problem on your hands. In fact, never question a pregnant woman who has to pee; you're just asking for trouble.

3. You shall not take her hunger lightly
A hungry pregnant woman is more threatening than stumbling across a bear cub in the woods and then seeing his mama 10 feet away eyeballing you. Get her some food now, you fool! And then go get her more food while she's eating that food. I don't care if it's three in the morning; you can't go wrong with food. I cannot stress the importance of keeping a pregnant woman full. It could save your marriage. Oh, you thought I was kidding, didn't you? That's cute. I’m not.

4. You shall not covet cologne
Pregnant women develop super powers — they can puke like a fire hose and they can smell better than a bloodhound on the hunt. That cologne that used to be so sexy on you now sucks, so stop wearing it. And that spray deodorant is making her feel murderous and you would be the first victim. It's not her fault she can smell you three hours after you leave for work, it's your fault (just play along with this for now).

5. Honor her mood changes
Sybil ain't got nothin' on a pregnant woman. And don't even think about blaming it on hormones unless you're looking to get hurt. You don't know what a pregnant woman is capable of doing. She probably doesn't know either, but do you really want to find out? Just keep in mind that in conjunction with these mood changes it will take your lady a fraction of the time to get upset compared to the good old days, which means your escape window is now significantly smaller. (Remember this in case you break a commandment.)

6. You shall not bear false witness against female anatomy
Nipples on pregnant women expand, freakishly conquering territory on the boob like Sherman marching through Atlanta. And then there are things like discharge. Listen dude, you won't look at women the same way, but you must smile and nod and try to look sympathetic to all these bodily changes. Think about how sad it was when Apollo Creed died at the end of Rocky IV. If you keep that image in mind while the ladies talk private parts, you will appear compassionate and everyone will love that none of this grosses you out in the slightest.

7. Remember she will get freaked out
All these articles she’s reading online are driving her mad. It’s your job to find another article that debunks the first article, print it out and highlight it. You must also rage at the author of the first article, ‘Blank is an idiot! He/she doesn't know what they're talking about!'

Image and Article Credit:

1 comment:

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